Well, not really. But I think that's the way he's heading. Seriously, he won't eat. He only wants drinkable yogurt, chocolate milk, vanilla almond milk or water. He'll occasionally eat fruit. Yesterday we went to pick up our coop vegetable/fruit basket and you'd think I had this organic farmer on my hands.
"Oh boy, Mommy! Look at all the delicious vegetables! Mmmm, my favorite! Carrots! Ohh, I love lettuce!".
Seriously. He ate about a dozen cherries that the kindly (and obviously impressed with my rockstar ability to instill such enthusiasm for veg in my young child) coop lady offered him. I'm thinking to myself. Okay, this is it! Going to pick up fruits and vegetables from the nursery is showing my children how awesome and delicious and important fruits and veggies are! Yay me!
On the way home, he's yelling about how he wants grapes "from the basket" and on and on.
Until we pass McDonalds. Then I hear. "I want nuggets. NUGGETS!!!"
Did he eat any of my carefully prepared vegetables for dinner last night? No.
He would only eat his mac and cheese.
And milk.
Mom fail. Again. *sigh. At least my 14 month old still eats whatever we put in front of her. There's still hope...
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
More penis talk.
I recently read an essay by Patrick Hooper that you can read HERE regarding a young man's opinion about his own circumcision, which, like most babies who are circumcised, happened when he was an infant.
Now, it's no secret that I am not supportive of routine infant circumcision. But there was a time, not long ago, when I assumed it was what you were supposed to do and if I ever had a son, he would be circumcised, as if it wouldn't even be a decision that I was being asked to make, that it would just happen. My mind changed when my sister in law, and co-writer of this blog, Kiki, had her son, three years before I had mine, and she and her husband decided not to have him circumcised. That was the first time I ever wondered about why you wouldn't want to circumcise your son. I mean, prior to this, I knew a few people who weren't, not that I'd ever SEEN them, or anything. These men were all normal. They had friends. Girlfriends. Wives. None of them had been ridiculed as a teenager, girls hadn't run shrieking from them once said appendage was revealed to be au natural... But, as I said, it was still something that wasn't "normal". And usually, upon finding out someone was intact, there would be a murmur of, "Oh? Oh, well, um, cool, didn't know that...". Right? Not a huge deal, but something to tuck away in your mental catalog of that person. "Bob Smith - Plumber. Likes red cars. Freaky penis".
And so it was with me.
But back to my mind shift. Upon learning that my nephew's genitals retained their birth integrity, I did a little research. As any good Anthropologist knows, we don't do anything without there being layers upon layers of reasons. But what I basically discovered (which, I suppose, deep down I had always known), circumcision was an archaic practice drummed up in pre-biblical times. The exact reasons get fishy. Submission? A sacrifice of the flesh? Keep men from masturbating? (haha!!!) But, what it came down to is simply, we don't really know why, but we do it, it had some ritual reason and eventually, over time, we started tacking on "medical reasons" like hygiene, std prevention, penile cancer prevention, etc. Well, because it's SO easy to find a TON of information on why routine circumcision is unnecessary, I'll let you look for yourselves if you are interested. So why do we still do it? Well, the reason I can see, looking at it anthropologically, is that it is now ingrained in our cultural psyche. It doesn't take a long time for things to come into and leave, for that matter, our zeitgeist. Really, just one generation. I mean, look at smoking. Pretty much everyone these days KNOWS it's not good for you. Sure, some people still do it, but really, it's not like Mad Men anymore. I'm in my thirties, I can remember my mom and her friends smoking every time they got together. None of them smoke anymore. So. Um, how did that happen? Well, we learned that it was bad, so people stopped doing it. Well, same goes for circumcision. 100 years ago, it really was not that popular of a practice in the US. Nary a Brit or a German was cut, so really, it was primarily something done by various religious groups. Why did it become a popular thing for Americans to pick up? (Talkin' bout the Gentiles here). Well, basically, an asshole named Dr. Kellogg thought masturbation was evil and thought that circumcision was a way to curb it's appeal to lusty youngsters. That, and cages and cuffing their hands at night. Funny how the genital cutting really caught on, though. So, that's kind of the origins of how it exploded in popularity and became "the thing to do to your kids wang" at the turn of the century.
So what's the point of my inane ramblings today? Surely I'm not making any friends here. But I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, either. Really, I'm not. I just think it's something that should be brought back OUT into the cultural discussion. Perhaps over a fine Pinot Grigio at your next garden party you casually ask your new acquaintance, "So, what do you think about foreskins? Canape?" You may be surprised at their answer. Maybe they, too, have been wondering about this as well. Or not. Maybe they'll throw their carefully mixed Tom Collins in your face, saturating your SJP for Halston bubble dress and stalk off haughtily saying, "I can cut whatever I want off my child, thankyouverymuch". But, likely, the response is that everyone will be a bit squirmy and awkward. But here's something funny, never once have I looked upon a friend or relative's circumcised baby boy and made any sort of comment about it, like, "whoa, you circumcised your son, huh?". Nor have I ever even had any thoughts other than like, "whoops, that kid's naked", or if it's an infant and I'm changing him, I might be thinking, "Please don't pee on me, babe". Yet, I have had people, upon seeing my naked cherub as an infant, be like, "What? What? What's going on there?! Isn't your husband circumcised?!" So now we're talking about HIM are we? Well, I'll just share, as I'm sure my husband won't mind (who by the way, has actually performed MANY (I have recently learned) circumcisions on infants AND adults while in Med School. Until recently, I thought he'd only watched or whatever, but hooo, no. So keep that in mind, you might be getting a med student circing your kid) me telling you that he is in fact circumcised. Is he wigged out by what might be a future "why's my doober different than your's, Daddy?" question from our boy? No. Really, how hard does anyone think that conversation has to be? "Well son, it's something that people used to do, but we know we don't need to do it anymore, so lots of little boys are being left intact, just the way they were born". I don't know, that doesn't seem too emotional, gutting, confusing, or traumatic to me. *shrug* Now, I do understand that some dad's get really really really passionate about this. Luckily, my husband was not. Probably because, as I mentioned, he's actually done it to other people's little babies, and he just didn't see the need to do it to his own child. If he HAD been all "dealbreaker!!" about it, well, I suppose I would have deferred to him eventually. Not without a fight, but if it was crucially important to him, because, well, the penis IS pretty darn important to a man, so I can see where some men are coming from on this issue, I would have probably gone along with it. I'm not going to destroy my marriage over it, and I have heard of some women making this claim. Surely those women are now calling me a horrible, mutilating cow. That's okay, it's the internet, there are a lot of opinions on here.
As for the other reasons I have heard supporting circumcision that aren't the dodgy "medical" ones, such as, "It's ugly", "girls will make fun of him", "ewww, it looks funny", and "he'll get made fun of in the locker room". All I can say is this. "Um, really?"
So I guess I've covered it. I think it's good to discuss what is really important to you. Lots of things are important to me. NO beach driving, breast feeding, sustainability, gentle discipline, Attachment Parenting, cookies, AIDS research, the environment, fighting offshore drilling and on and on. Circumcision is just one of them. I'm not one to have lame-o conversations with people about stupid things like the weather and the number of calories in a Frappuccino. Life's too short to only talk about the inane. And sometimes it's good to talk about the inane, but lots of times, it's good to keep it real and be yourself, even if other's disagree with you. Isn't that the way we learn from one another?
So, there's my very professional take on this hot topic that I wish wasn't so emotional and simply more, "Hey, maybe we should just stop doing this". Let's not make a big deal out of it if we have, and let's move on from there.
Now, it's no secret that I am not supportive of routine infant circumcision. But there was a time, not long ago, when I assumed it was what you were supposed to do and if I ever had a son, he would be circumcised, as if it wouldn't even be a decision that I was being asked to make, that it would just happen. My mind changed when my sister in law, and co-writer of this blog, Kiki, had her son, three years before I had mine, and she and her husband decided not to have him circumcised. That was the first time I ever wondered about why you wouldn't want to circumcise your son. I mean, prior to this, I knew a few people who weren't, not that I'd ever SEEN them, or anything. These men were all normal. They had friends. Girlfriends. Wives. None of them had been ridiculed as a teenager, girls hadn't run shrieking from them once said appendage was revealed to be au natural... But, as I said, it was still something that wasn't "normal". And usually, upon finding out someone was intact, there would be a murmur of, "Oh? Oh, well, um, cool, didn't know that...". Right? Not a huge deal, but something to tuck away in your mental catalog of that person. "Bob Smith - Plumber. Likes red cars. Freaky penis".
And so it was with me.
But back to my mind shift. Upon learning that my nephew's genitals retained their birth integrity, I did a little research. As any good Anthropologist knows, we don't do anything without there being layers upon layers of reasons. But what I basically discovered (which, I suppose, deep down I had always known), circumcision was an archaic practice drummed up in pre-biblical times. The exact reasons get fishy. Submission? A sacrifice of the flesh? Keep men from masturbating? (haha!!!) But, what it came down to is simply, we don't really know why, but we do it, it had some ritual reason and eventually, over time, we started tacking on "medical reasons" like hygiene, std prevention, penile cancer prevention, etc. Well, because it's SO easy to find a TON of information on why routine circumcision is unnecessary, I'll let you look for yourselves if you are interested. So why do we still do it? Well, the reason I can see, looking at it anthropologically, is that it is now ingrained in our cultural psyche. It doesn't take a long time for things to come into and leave, for that matter, our zeitgeist. Really, just one generation. I mean, look at smoking. Pretty much everyone these days KNOWS it's not good for you. Sure, some people still do it, but really, it's not like Mad Men anymore. I'm in my thirties, I can remember my mom and her friends smoking every time they got together. None of them smoke anymore. So. Um, how did that happen? Well, we learned that it was bad, so people stopped doing it. Well, same goes for circumcision. 100 years ago, it really was not that popular of a practice in the US. Nary a Brit or a German was cut, so really, it was primarily something done by various religious groups. Why did it become a popular thing for Americans to pick up? (Talkin' bout the Gentiles here). Well, basically, an asshole named Dr. Kellogg thought masturbation was evil and thought that circumcision was a way to curb it's appeal to lusty youngsters. That, and cages and cuffing their hands at night. Funny how the genital cutting really caught on, though. So, that's kind of the origins of how it exploded in popularity and became "the thing to do to your kids wang" at the turn of the century.
So what's the point of my inane ramblings today? Surely I'm not making any friends here. But I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, either. Really, I'm not. I just think it's something that should be brought back OUT into the cultural discussion. Perhaps over a fine Pinot Grigio at your next garden party you casually ask your new acquaintance, "So, what do you think about foreskins? Canape?" You may be surprised at their answer. Maybe they, too, have been wondering about this as well. Or not. Maybe they'll throw their carefully mixed Tom Collins in your face, saturating your SJP for Halston bubble dress and stalk off haughtily saying, "I can cut whatever I want off my child, thankyouverymuch". But, likely, the response is that everyone will be a bit squirmy and awkward. But here's something funny, never once have I looked upon a friend or relative's circumcised baby boy and made any sort of comment about it, like, "whoa, you circumcised your son, huh?". Nor have I ever even had any thoughts other than like, "whoops, that kid's naked", or if it's an infant and I'm changing him, I might be thinking, "Please don't pee on me, babe". Yet, I have had people, upon seeing my naked cherub as an infant, be like, "What? What? What's going on there?! Isn't your husband circumcised?!" So now we're talking about HIM are we? Well, I'll just share, as I'm sure my husband won't mind (who by the way, has actually performed MANY (I have recently learned) circumcisions on infants AND adults while in Med School. Until recently, I thought he'd only watched or whatever, but hooo, no. So keep that in mind, you might be getting a med student circing your kid) me telling you that he is in fact circumcised. Is he wigged out by what might be a future "why's my doober different than your's, Daddy?" question from our boy? No. Really, how hard does anyone think that conversation has to be? "Well son, it's something that people used to do, but we know we don't need to do it anymore, so lots of little boys are being left intact, just the way they were born". I don't know, that doesn't seem too emotional, gutting, confusing, or traumatic to me. *shrug* Now, I do understand that some dad's get really really really passionate about this. Luckily, my husband was not. Probably because, as I mentioned, he's actually done it to other people's little babies, and he just didn't see the need to do it to his own child. If he HAD been all "dealbreaker!!" about it, well, I suppose I would have deferred to him eventually. Not without a fight, but if it was crucially important to him, because, well, the penis IS pretty darn important to a man, so I can see where some men are coming from on this issue, I would have probably gone along with it. I'm not going to destroy my marriage over it, and I have heard of some women making this claim. Surely those women are now calling me a horrible, mutilating cow. That's okay, it's the internet, there are a lot of opinions on here.
As for the other reasons I have heard supporting circumcision that aren't the dodgy "medical" ones, such as, "It's ugly", "girls will make fun of him", "ewww, it looks funny", and "he'll get made fun of in the locker room". All I can say is this. "Um, really?"
So I guess I've covered it. I think it's good to discuss what is really important to you. Lots of things are important to me. NO beach driving, breast feeding, sustainability, gentle discipline, Attachment Parenting, cookies, AIDS research, the environment, fighting offshore drilling and on and on. Circumcision is just one of them. I'm not one to have lame-o conversations with people about stupid things like the weather and the number of calories in a Frappuccino. Life's too short to only talk about the inane. And sometimes it's good to talk about the inane, but lots of times, it's good to keep it real and be yourself, even if other's disagree with you. Isn't that the way we learn from one another?
So, there's my very professional take on this hot topic that I wish wasn't so emotional and simply more, "Hey, maybe we should just stop doing this". Let's not make a big deal out of it if we have, and let's move on from there.
Potty learning. The recap.
You may remember I recently spoke of the drudgery and frustration, exhaustion and "WHY ME?!" of my recent foray into ...POTTY TRAINING!!! Well, it's been two months now, actually 2.5 months, since our journey began (Our meaning my son and I) and I am finally feeling confident enough to suggest, maybe simply whisper it out there to the ether that Ronan has, in fact, got it. He's done folks. And, it really wasn't that hard. I know that first post kind of set me up for an epic adventure involving months of slogging through wet training pants, but, really, it wasn't so bad. I mean, sure, we had a few accidents, even recently, but I can tell they are accidents and not him slipping off the potty wagon, so to speak. But really, for the most part, he's all good. Goes without prompting, dry all night, pants on and off by himself, usually at least TRIES to wipe himself (although, I still have to go in for a clean up, because, well, you know, those little arms just aren't quite efficient enough yet to truly clean...). I think I knew we turned a corner when Ronan finally, FINALLY told me that he had to use the potty when we were out in public a while back. Up until then, even though he had been wearing (and keeping dry) his cotton undies for over a month, I still didn't consider him, well, really potty competent. But I guess he is. Right?
When did you consider your child to be potty proficient? Want to share any tips for future potty trainers out there?
When did you consider your child to be potty proficient? Want to share any tips for future potty trainers out there?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
And, on a happier note
I realize I've been soapboxing for a bit, so I wanted to take it down a notch and share something lovely.
Now reading
The Prophet
by Khalil Gibran. How, oh how, has this beautiful book not been on my "readar" until now? The words feel familiar to me, yet, I have no record of ever owning a copy of this book. Simply a MUST read. The stunning illustrations of this particular copy are perfect for any new mother or expecting woman. It is simply beautiful, sweet and simple.
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Now reading
The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. How, oh how, has this beautiful book not been on my "readar" until now? The words feel familiar to me, yet, I have no record of ever owning a copy of this book. Simply a MUST read. The stunning illustrations of this particular copy are perfect for any new mother or expecting woman. It is simply beautiful, sweet and simple. On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
A Quiet Revolution
US anthropologist & popularizer of anthropology (1901 - 1978)
I was going to write about teething today, as Miss Isla is sprouting molars right and left and has decided she can't get enough nursing to ease the discomfort..., but I decided to be pissed off instead and write about something else.
It is no surprise to me that an anthropologist (well, not just any Anthropologist, but Margaret Mead, people!) would write two of the most enduring and truthful and meaningful sentences ever written. As an anthropologist, it is sometimes hard for me to see things small scale anymore. I see so many big things going wrong all over the world and their complexity and the very interrelatedness of almost all events and lives is often staggering. Often, I find myself floundering by trying to choose what to become passionate about. There's too much to choose from! Maybe I shouldn't fight anything, but that's not me, and I know it. But what do I do when I'm completely turned inside out with outrage and despair when I hear about something tragic? Usually, like most people, I don't do anything, and eventually the indignation and anger and momentum falls away quietly like a tide. So I've decided that maybe I need to start small. Make a list. A lot of things piss me off, and I need to get them off my chest and out of my heart, and maybe, just maybe I'll be bold enough to try to change something, however small, because I truly do believe that one small act can be felt around the world.
So. My list. And I am not going to explain anything, just use these as a springboard. Perhaps for your own discussion.
THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF
(and maybe you, as well)
Unsustainable lifestyles
Too many birth interventions
Rampant consumerism
Child abuse and neglect
Animal abuse
Bigotry
Homophobia
Our apparent disregard for the Earth
Reality television that exploits children
Ignorance
People who think their beliefs are "right" and others are "wrong"
And oh, there is SO very much more. So so much. But what to do? Bury my head in the sand and go drop $100 bucks at Target? That's pretty much been my MO for the last several years. Certainly I can make all sorts of excuses such as "my children are my priority now - I don't have time to help", but that's probably bullshit. Simply because I am amazingly fortunate and grateful and totally in love with my life as a parent doesn't mean that I don't think about how f-cked up our world is. Perhaps it eats at me even more simply because I find myself constantly asking, "what kind of world am I leaving for my children?" Thoughts like that make me want to bury my head in the sand.
Anyway, one thing that has me recently outraged is the story I linked about the four year old being killed by a car driving on the beach. CARS HAVE NO PLACE ON THE BEACH. Damn, on Hilton Head a few years ago a person was killed by an emergency vehicle driving on the beach. Sheesh! Now, I understand that emergency vehicles probably need to be able to come down, but THAT IS IT! This poor baby boy was the second child in FOUR MONTHS in THIS COUNTY to be struck and killed by a car on the beach!
Now, I'm not blaming the people who drive on the beach, after all, it's allowed; the responsibility rests with the city. Not enough beach parking they cry. BUILD SOME. Rip down some piece of shit, empty high rise and dilapidated mid-century hotel with hourly rates and BUILD SOME PARKING. Sooo many beaches in this country are protected from beach driving these days, and yet, Florida has far too many. And I've been on lots of them. It's a lot of redneck posturing and people driving way too fast with radios blaring WAY too loud. Am I stereotyping? Um, not really. There are a lot of normal beach going folks who just want to get out there, get their towels down and build a sand castle or whatnot. You know what, even I have driven on the beach. In Jacksonville. And afterwards I thought about it. "Hmm, that kind of sucked. And we should leave now". This beach has no other way to get out to it except by car, so in that regard I can kind of understand, but I also think, You know? There are plenty of beaches, maybe this small strip should just be left in peace. Besides, that park had PLENTY of other easily accessible entrances to other beach areas. Why must we exploit every freaking inch?!?!?!?
*sigh. So, I am going to be a vocal opposition to beach driving. Slowly but hopefully surely, I will fight to eliminate beach driving from Volusia County. That's one thing I can try to do.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Kid Crap
What is it about kids and their CRAP?! I feel like I throw away broken toys, old crayons, pieces of paper, broken hair ties, parts of games, gross unidentifiable objects, cheap McDonald's toys, etc etc etc all the flippin' time yet it is still EVERYWHERE! I'm not that sentimental with "stuff." I have stuff, I get enjoyment out of it and I don't feel bad about letting it go. I'll keep extra special things, but for the most part I'm a purger. This is apparently NOT genetic (although my mom was a purger too...so there's still hope). I was trying to clean the house this morning and all three kids were pulling things out of the trash saying things like this (I kept my thoughts to myself, but it was painful!):
But MOM, this is my favorite man (aka piece of crap mickey d's toy)
But MOOMMM... I'm going to USE those!! (really, you are going to use the 5,000 tiny holes that came out of the hole puncher? Seriously, can't we use the hole puncher over the trash can?!?) But moMMM... I was reading that magazine (the 2 month old wet, shredded toy catalog.. .um humm).
It was so painful. The kids literally took out every single thing I put in the trash. Ultimately, I had to put on a TV show to distract them, quickly fill my extra large trash bag and put it in the dumpster outside. I always envisioned that my kids would only have a few quality toys. It just doesn't work out that way though. In reality, I need to let them figure out what they love and what's important to them and not judge the things they want or like. I'm hoping I can teach them the virtue of purging one day. Until then, I'm going to toss stealthily and feign ignorance when they ask me if I've seen one of their "special" toys.
But MOM, this is my favorite man (aka piece of crap mickey d's toy)
But MOOMMM... I'm going to USE those!! (really, you are going to use the 5,000 tiny holes that came out of the hole puncher? Seriously, can't we use the hole puncher over the trash can?!?) But moMMM... I was reading that magazine (the 2 month old wet, shredded toy catalog.. .um humm).
It was so painful. The kids literally took out every single thing I put in the trash. Ultimately, I had to put on a TV show to distract them, quickly fill my extra large trash bag and put it in the dumpster outside. I always envisioned that my kids would only have a few quality toys. It just doesn't work out that way though. In reality, I need to let them figure out what they love and what's important to them and not judge the things they want or like. I'm hoping I can teach them the virtue of purging one day. Until then, I'm going to toss stealthily and feign ignorance when they ask me if I've seen one of their "special" toys.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Are you happy?
I'm not sure what my obsession with Babble.com is, lately, but I am finding much of the articles written by parents to be quite thought provoking, and, in my opinion, worth sharing with my legion of fans. *cough. Kidding. (thanks for reading, mom. Mom? Hello?).
Anyway, THIS article talks about the recent New York Magazine story discussing, basically, how parenting makes us miserable. Or, at least, sucks away the happy. I don't know, something like that, read it yourself, I'm no good at synopsis.
So, this did get me thinking. I've waxed on about my devotion, love, amazement of my children. I've also complained about them too! (uh, see last post). Now, I'm definitely a major supporter of making of the babies. If someone says to me, "well, we're thinking of trying for a baby", seriously, I squeal with delight. I wonder why? I mean, my days are not filled with rainbows, sunshine, perpetual ease. Of course I'm not living a difficult life, either, by NO means. But, you know, I don't just go off at the drop of a hat to do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want. Even the most mundane tasks such as grocery shopping or dental appointments require planning. Often, major planning weeks in advance. I don't stay out late on weekends drinking and having heavy conversations with my friends. No more dance parties to our favorite musicals and carefree cook outs where I can sit in a lawn chair and talk for a full hour about adult topics. Nope. But do I miss that? Well, sometimes. But usually not.
And I was thinking about all this. Am I happier now that much of my freedom has been scrapped in favor of finding perfect playdates and scoping the right preschools? I guess the answer is yes and no.
The day I found out I was pregnant with my son, my entire worldview shifted. Life was no longer about me. Now, granted, I wanted to get pregnant. We were trying, so I can see that that experience might not be shared by every woman who's ever seen the two little lines. But for me, almost thirty years old, married for over five years, and READY (I guess?), it was what I had wanted to happen. Well, I remember the extreme joy. EXTREME joy. I've never felt like that before in my life. Then, my first ultrasound. No heartbeat, abnormal yolk sack. I was told I was either too early, or about to miscarry. Just like that. Did they not know that this had shaken my world? I was no longer me. I was "me + someone else". I was in emotional agony for two weeks, basically waiting for the blood to show up. It never did, and my second ultrasound, shaking and hoping and terrified, there he was, blinking away. SUCH happiness. Elation. Joy. Like the Babble article's author describes, never in my life have I experienced these highs and lows of emotion.
After my son was born, I felt a simple peace and contentment that I had never known. Suddenly I wasn't looking for the way to make my mark on the world anymore. I felt as if I already had. I stopped the perpetual seeking that I had previously carried with me my whole life. I was continuing on the simple and awesome tract of life by giving life to someone new. Now, I am not suggesting that all that was "me", and all the things I liked to do, thought about, aspired to, simply disappeared. I was still there, but my life was suddenly different. The small stuff actually became small stuff, and the big stuff was my family. And for now, this seems to be the holding pattern.
When we tried again for number two, it was no less amazing to find out I was pregnant. The "me + she" that followed was no less special or unique. The joy of adding another child to our family added to the completeness of our little family. Of course, two children meant a LOT more insanity, less time for me to do what I want, but I knew that this was only temporary. All too fast they are becoming more self sufficient, needing me less.
But, back to happiness. When I see my children experience life in a new way, watch that joy cross their face for the first time, it is hard to match that feeling. On the flip side, I've also never felt so much fear and worry over the possibility of losing them, that sometimes it has been hard for me to dig myself out of a vortex of negative and fearful thoughts.
Truly, for me, having children has been the most intense experience of my life so far. Life is harder and better at the same time. It's not the easiest feeling to explain. I am sure that if I never had children, either by choice, or not, I would surely find great joy and happiness in the experience of whatever that life would have held for me. I enjoy my children. Moments after they piss me off to no end, I am enjoying them, their smile, their smell, their curiosity, their happiness. When I think about the possibility of a third (and last) baby, I literally well up with emotion. I feel the clench in my heart at the happy thought of a new baby. Another sibling for my children to squeal with, run around the house with, fight with and lean on as they become older and begin to find their own happiness and place in the world.
Anyway, THIS article talks about the recent New York Magazine story discussing, basically, how parenting makes us miserable. Or, at least, sucks away the happy. I don't know, something like that, read it yourself, I'm no good at synopsis.
So, this did get me thinking. I've waxed on about my devotion, love, amazement of my children. I've also complained about them too! (uh, see last post). Now, I'm definitely a major supporter of making of the babies. If someone says to me, "well, we're thinking of trying for a baby", seriously, I squeal with delight. I wonder why? I mean, my days are not filled with rainbows, sunshine, perpetual ease. Of course I'm not living a difficult life, either, by NO means. But, you know, I don't just go off at the drop of a hat to do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want. Even the most mundane tasks such as grocery shopping or dental appointments require planning. Often, major planning weeks in advance. I don't stay out late on weekends drinking and having heavy conversations with my friends. No more dance parties to our favorite musicals and carefree cook outs where I can sit in a lawn chair and talk for a full hour about adult topics. Nope. But do I miss that? Well, sometimes. But usually not.
And I was thinking about all this. Am I happier now that much of my freedom has been scrapped in favor of finding perfect playdates and scoping the right preschools? I guess the answer is yes and no.
The day I found out I was pregnant with my son, my entire worldview shifted. Life was no longer about me. Now, granted, I wanted to get pregnant. We were trying, so I can see that that experience might not be shared by every woman who's ever seen the two little lines. But for me, almost thirty years old, married for over five years, and READY (I guess?), it was what I had wanted to happen. Well, I remember the extreme joy. EXTREME joy. I've never felt like that before in my life. Then, my first ultrasound. No heartbeat, abnormal yolk sack. I was told I was either too early, or about to miscarry. Just like that. Did they not know that this had shaken my world? I was no longer me. I was "me + someone else". I was in emotional agony for two weeks, basically waiting for the blood to show up. It never did, and my second ultrasound, shaking and hoping and terrified, there he was, blinking away. SUCH happiness. Elation. Joy. Like the Babble article's author describes, never in my life have I experienced these highs and lows of emotion.
After my son was born, I felt a simple peace and contentment that I had never known. Suddenly I wasn't looking for the way to make my mark on the world anymore. I felt as if I already had. I stopped the perpetual seeking that I had previously carried with me my whole life. I was continuing on the simple and awesome tract of life by giving life to someone new. Now, I am not suggesting that all that was "me", and all the things I liked to do, thought about, aspired to, simply disappeared. I was still there, but my life was suddenly different. The small stuff actually became small stuff, and the big stuff was my family. And for now, this seems to be the holding pattern.
When we tried again for number two, it was no less amazing to find out I was pregnant. The "me + she" that followed was no less special or unique. The joy of adding another child to our family added to the completeness of our little family. Of course, two children meant a LOT more insanity, less time for me to do what I want, but I knew that this was only temporary. All too fast they are becoming more self sufficient, needing me less.
But, back to happiness. When I see my children experience life in a new way, watch that joy cross their face for the first time, it is hard to match that feeling. On the flip side, I've also never felt so much fear and worry over the possibility of losing them, that sometimes it has been hard for me to dig myself out of a vortex of negative and fearful thoughts.
Truly, for me, having children has been the most intense experience of my life so far. Life is harder and better at the same time. It's not the easiest feeling to explain. I am sure that if I never had children, either by choice, or not, I would surely find great joy and happiness in the experience of whatever that life would have held for me. I enjoy my children. Moments after they piss me off to no end, I am enjoying them, their smile, their smell, their curiosity, their happiness. When I think about the possibility of a third (and last) baby, I literally well up with emotion. I feel the clench in my heart at the happy thought of a new baby. Another sibling for my children to squeal with, run around the house with, fight with and lean on as they become older and begin to find their own happiness and place in the world.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Mean Mommy
I found this article at Stroller Derby and it struck a chord. Read, then come back here.
Why it's good to scream at your kids
Maybe you found that title interesting as well? Probably.
Now, here's my parenting philosophy. Ahem. I don't actually have one. HA! Perhaps you thought I was going to share some earth shattering parental amazingness. Not so much.
So, I have (and probably a lot more lately than usual) a short fuse. I get angry. I get frustrated and I have been known to yell. For lots of reasons. For doing the one thing I ask my son 34095843095840398 times nicely not to do, then he looks at me with that look, and does it anyway. Hitting his baby sister. I get really angry. I usually feel pretty shitty about it, too. Like the author mentions, I do not want my children growing up remembering a mother who was always angry, who was always yelling and frustrated. I agree, that I have seen some overly permissive parents who have barely pooh poohed some rather nasty toddler/child behavior, but, like one of the commenters mentions (read the comments) there is a middle ground. I'd like to think I find that most of the time. Especially when I am, myself, doing well. If I'm exhausted, stressed out, feeling unsure of things, etc, my fuse is shorter. If I'm well cared for, then it tends to be longer. That's probably not a huge revelation for anyone. So, I try to take care of myself with as much (try being the operative word here) with care and respect so I don't regularly flip out on my family.
BUT, in the trenches of parenting, I've clung to a few floats here and there in the form of various books about discipline and child-rearing. In general, the ones that favor gentle discipline and attachment parenting speak to me more (as in, ring true to whatever is in me that goes "aha! Yes!" when I read it) than more rigid, rule following, scheduling, etc. Not that I don't have rules. I do. But they're frequently broken, and that's usually okay. I try to remind myself, especially when I am about to launch a rocket attack of anger at my 2 year old (okay, he's like three weeks away from being three...) that he's TWO, still a baby, still learning boundaries. It's my job to guide him, not kill his love of life and natural joy and curiosity. I mean, I can kind of remember what it was like being a kid. I wanted to DO STUFF. All the time. I was always trying to play, wander, explore, etc. I was by no stretch of the imagination a difficult child, but I can recount lots of instances where my natural curiosity pissed my parents off. I've read about "consequence free parenting". This makes NO sense to me at all. Even when the proponents of it try to explain it. I lurk around gentle discipline forums picking up little nuggets of wisdom when I can, yet, often find myself lifting a disbelieving eyebrow when I read about some of the ways people discipline, or rather don't. I'm not a firm believer in punishment. I'm not sure time outs serve to do much more than make that kid stew in anger and hurt over their punishment, not reflecting on how they could behave better. Um, and this is not to say we haven't, and do not, use time outs. Sometimes it's all I can think to do without going ballistic. And, while I'm not a big fan of punishing, I do think that life has consequences and children should learn them. But how? Basically, I'm always trying to figure out how to show my kids that what they did was wrong (when they do something wrong) but not be a total witch from hell in the process.
I don't want my children to grow up always trying to avoid conflict, and become namby pamby people pleasers. I also don't want them to grow up to be sociopaths and capital J jerks who've never been told "no". On some days I feel like I am super mom, chilled out and relaxed and my kids totally match that mood, but being HUMAN, that is just not my daily reality, and so, on crap days, things just get pretty crappy and moods and behavior spiral the drain. Some days, I'm a kill joy. Other days, I'm awesome.
I truly feel that what we do as parents HUGELY influences how our children turn out. I don't think the onus is TOTALLY on us AT ALL, but parenting plays a major role in the kind of person we turn out to be. This has been seen time and again.
Well, once again, I'm pretty sure I've rambled on without making too much sense, but if I've made any point, it's likely that parenting is effing hard and I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm doing the best I can at any given moment!
Why it's good to scream at your kids
Maybe you found that title interesting as well? Probably.
Now, here's my parenting philosophy. Ahem. I don't actually have one. HA! Perhaps you thought I was going to share some earth shattering parental amazingness. Not so much.
So, I have (and probably a lot more lately than usual) a short fuse. I get angry. I get frustrated and I have been known to yell. For lots of reasons. For doing the one thing I ask my son 34095843095840398 times nicely not to do, then he looks at me with that look, and does it anyway. Hitting his baby sister. I get really angry. I usually feel pretty shitty about it, too. Like the author mentions, I do not want my children growing up remembering a mother who was always angry, who was always yelling and frustrated. I agree, that I have seen some overly permissive parents who have barely pooh poohed some rather nasty toddler/child behavior, but, like one of the commenters mentions (read the comments) there is a middle ground. I'd like to think I find that most of the time. Especially when I am, myself, doing well. If I'm exhausted, stressed out, feeling unsure of things, etc, my fuse is shorter. If I'm well cared for, then it tends to be longer. That's probably not a huge revelation for anyone. So, I try to take care of myself with as much (try being the operative word here) with care and respect so I don't regularly flip out on my family.
BUT, in the trenches of parenting, I've clung to a few floats here and there in the form of various books about discipline and child-rearing. In general, the ones that favor gentle discipline and attachment parenting speak to me more (as in, ring true to whatever is in me that goes "aha! Yes!" when I read it) than more rigid, rule following, scheduling, etc. Not that I don't have rules. I do. But they're frequently broken, and that's usually okay. I try to remind myself, especially when I am about to launch a rocket attack of anger at my 2 year old (okay, he's like three weeks away from being three...) that he's TWO, still a baby, still learning boundaries. It's my job to guide him, not kill his love of life and natural joy and curiosity. I mean, I can kind of remember what it was like being a kid. I wanted to DO STUFF. All the time. I was always trying to play, wander, explore, etc. I was by no stretch of the imagination a difficult child, but I can recount lots of instances where my natural curiosity pissed my parents off. I've read about "consequence free parenting". This makes NO sense to me at all. Even when the proponents of it try to explain it. I lurk around gentle discipline forums picking up little nuggets of wisdom when I can, yet, often find myself lifting a disbelieving eyebrow when I read about some of the ways people discipline, or rather don't. I'm not a firm believer in punishment. I'm not sure time outs serve to do much more than make that kid stew in anger and hurt over their punishment, not reflecting on how they could behave better. Um, and this is not to say we haven't, and do not, use time outs. Sometimes it's all I can think to do without going ballistic. And, while I'm not a big fan of punishing, I do think that life has consequences and children should learn them. But how? Basically, I'm always trying to figure out how to show my kids that what they did was wrong (when they do something wrong) but not be a total witch from hell in the process.
I don't want my children to grow up always trying to avoid conflict, and become namby pamby people pleasers. I also don't want them to grow up to be sociopaths and capital J jerks who've never been told "no". On some days I feel like I am super mom, chilled out and relaxed and my kids totally match that mood, but being HUMAN, that is just not my daily reality, and so, on crap days, things just get pretty crappy and moods and behavior spiral the drain. Some days, I'm a kill joy. Other days, I'm awesome.
I truly feel that what we do as parents HUGELY influences how our children turn out. I don't think the onus is TOTALLY on us AT ALL, but parenting plays a major role in the kind of person we turn out to be. This has been seen time and again.
Well, once again, I'm pretty sure I've rambled on without making too much sense, but if I've made any point, it's likely that parenting is effing hard and I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm doing the best I can at any given moment!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Coming Back Together
Moving kind of sucks. Don't "they" say that it is one of the three most disrupting, or hardest, or whatever things to deal with? I mean, I can think of more than two things that strike me as more traumatic than moving, but needless to say, total upheaval and disruption is, well, disrupting (for lack of a better word). For one, it does take a somewhat unexpected toll on your body. Not only are you eating a lot of crap due to the fact that you don't have access to your kitchen, pantry, local food markets, but sleep gets thrown off, and so does pretty much everything else. Also, how come I need a hair cut already? Why did all my ends suddenly decide to split the day we moved? Perhaps they, too, are a bit unnerved by all the change.
Well, anyway, we made it. I'm not going to wax on anymore about the move. Most people have done that and it's boring to read about other people's, I am sure. The only thing I am going to talk say about it is that I am DESPERATE for the damn moving truck to get here. Seriously, new house, upheaval, etc. etc. is all doable. No beds, no pots, no pans, plates, etc. etc. is HARD. Generously, some people from Brandon's work brought us over some necessities. And some toys. One in particular has proven to be quite awesome. A giant, inflatable bounce house!
Here it is sitting in the middle of our bedroom. Use Isla and Brandon for scale. That bounce house is huge! I wonder what else the people who brought this for us have at their house!? I was and am really touched by the extremely generous things people have leant us until our own things get here (thankyouforthecoffeemakersomuchsomuchsomuch).
And, although the joys of home ownership are different from rental obligations, or even condo ownership (for example: wow, are little oak trees growing out of our gutters? Might need to have those cleaned...), I am thrilled with the house and it's possibilities. One tiny corner of the house is particularly inspiring to me and makes me blissed out happy when I see it. Each morning our master bathroom gets the prettiest light. I love this room.
Well, anyway, we made it. I'm not going to wax on anymore about the move. Most people have done that and it's boring to read about other people's, I am sure. The only thing I am going to talk say about it is that I am DESPERATE for the damn moving truck to get here. Seriously, new house, upheaval, etc. etc. is all doable. No beds, no pots, no pans, plates, etc. etc. is HARD. Generously, some people from Brandon's work brought us over some necessities. And some toys. One in particular has proven to be quite awesome. A giant, inflatable bounce house!
And, although the joys of home ownership are different from rental obligations, or even condo ownership (for example: wow, are little oak trees growing out of our gutters? Might need to have those cleaned...), I am thrilled with the house and it's possibilities. One tiny corner of the house is particularly inspiring to me and makes me blissed out happy when I see it. Each morning our master bathroom gets the prettiest light. I love this room.
Even the bar of Lever 2000 looks pretty
So, while things are still very much up in the air, I trust that the proverbial dust will settle and things will come together and a nice life/flow will emerge with a happy balance and routine that helps to calm the children, support daddy and chill me the f*ck out.
Things that I have found that help with times like this is neurotic list making. But, taking my role as homemaker seriously, I have decided to go one step farther and enlist the aid of a "life planner". I.E. a three ring binder with tabs. Fancy, yes.
I'm still struggling with how to make this work. While I keep weekly calendar tasks on my iPhone, I still need to have something "written down". So, printed off blank calendar pages, some sort of meal planning, and a pen, will likely help me stay on track, pay bills on time, and get kids, self, dog, husband, to any necessary appointments or obligations.
Would anyone care to share with us how you keep yourself together when juggling the millions of balls that is life? I'm all ears.
xo
Do things have to be more complicated than chasing butterflies in the back yard?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Guilt.
Dearest Blog,
I realize I have been severely lacking in any good posts lately. Where is my camera cord? Where is my bed, for that matter? Oh, on a truck somewhere in the United States (one hopes).
Anyway, I've started to pour my pre-mixed margaritas now. My typing is no so good...
I'll hopefully be coming up with some fabulously poignant, or hilariously brilliant, or poignantly hilarious or fabulously brilliant prose sometime soon enough in the nearest future so we still have some blog readers out there who might care 2cents what we're talking about.
I'll try to limit the run on sentences.
Oh, and just so you know, it took me about four hours to compose and actually send this oh, so obviously well thought out blog post.
Keep reading friends. We love you. We'll be back soon.
xo, Cat
I realize I have been severely lacking in any good posts lately. Where is my camera cord? Where is my bed, for that matter? Oh, on a truck somewhere in the United States (one hopes).
Anyway, I've started to pour my pre-mixed margaritas now. My typing is no so good...
I'll hopefully be coming up with some fabulously poignant, or hilariously brilliant, or poignantly hilarious or fabulously brilliant prose sometime soon enough in the nearest future so we still have some blog readers out there who might care 2cents what we're talking about.
I'll try to limit the run on sentences.
Oh, and just so you know, it took me about four hours to compose and actually send this oh, so obviously well thought out blog post.
Keep reading friends. We love you. We'll be back soon.
xo, Cat
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bounce House
That's all I'm sayin' right now. Pictures soon.
Oh, and seriously, old houses were not built with baby gates in mind. Oy.
Oh, and seriously, old houses were not built with baby gates in mind. Oy.
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