More shameless self promotion

So, now the hipstamatic contest is even EASIER to vote in!  If you have facebook (and who doesn't these days, right?) all you have to do is click "like" on the pic.  Here's the link.  Much love.

Clickey Clickey

the Hair!

This is Thing 3 BEFORE the incident. Look at all that beautiful hair. The bangs were just trimmed yesterday.... Looking cute!

This is the HAIR I found on the floor when I came into the room from the kitchen after hearing the words "oooo.... look at my hair!!" Apparently she was inspired after getting her haircut yesterday.

I'm trying to get a picture of the full extent of the damage here... It was bad... really bad! She had one long piece of hair that barely covered the 1-2 inches of hair on the rest of this side of her head.... yeah, it was bad.

Emergency hair repair this afternoon. Still not great... see on the right side of her head... it's missing a lot of hair. I'm wondering if we should have done a full on layered pixie cut to blend this in. The hairdresser said this would traumatize me and strongly advised against the pixie and for the short bob. Note to self. Keep the scissors (even kids scissors) in an out of reach drawer. I think Thing 3 learned the "Do NOT cut your own hair" lesson today. At least I hope she did.

After her haircut this afternoon, we went next door to pick up a pizza to take home for dinner. While in there paying, Thing 3 choked on her lollipop that she had gotten at the salon (those dum dums are terrible... the ball came off and she tried to swallow it whole). The choking ended up in vomit all over me, her and the floor.... yay, the day just got better. So she stripped down, I cleaned up the floor, the waitress held Thing 4, and somehow we all made it out of there with a little bit of sanity remaining. Ahhh, another day with four kids. It seems to be all about damage control these days. But, all the kids are in bed and I'm still smiling... somehow.

Comments

Is anyone else having issues with posting comments?  If you are, would you mind sending me an email?  I've had a few friends tell me they've tried to leave comments and it hasn't been working, and as you know, we LIVE for comments.  Comments make the blog go round, and we are extra inspired to keep blogging when we know that people are actually reading... So, let me know.

Catherine

Okay, after some tweaking, I think I've fixed the comments!  So please leave us some notes when you feel the inspiration!!!

xoxoxo Kiki and Cat

Because she's lovely...

I entered this photo of my lovely in the Hipstamatic "Sunshine and Moonbeams" contest.  I only have five days to gather as many votes for it as possible.  Sooo, if you yourself do not have a hipstamatic photo in this contest, please vote for my sweet Isla's picture!  To vote for this picture you need to either tweet  http://hpstm.tc/5sw and #hipstamatic in one tweet on Twitter.  OR, go to http://community.hipstamatic.com/submissions/4027 and that'll have some more direction.  


Much much love for anyone who does this.  


Have a great night!  Catherine

It's just one of those weekends

Rain.  Husband working.  Rain.  Overly rambunctious kiddos systematically taking apart the house and any organizational structure I might have had.  Obnoxious fumes from the bathroom cleaner ('cuz it's bathroom cleaning day) and more rain, so no playground.  Ugh.  You know what that means.  A trip to Barnes & Noble so the older one can play with the train table and the youngster can get a haircut at Master Cuts.  Awww yeah, baby!  Maybe I'll get some knitting in tonight.  Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend, rain or shine!

Our Isla's first haircut

Oh what a night...

Some days when I've got my mommy groove on our afternoons and evenings run really smoothly and at 7:00 when all the kids are sleeping in their beds I pat myself on the back and think that having four kids is nothing but a complete joy and really not all that hard. Today was NOT one of those days. It started off when I got home and realized Grace (our 11 year old weimaraner) found old McDonald's (what? yes my kids eat mickey d's... don't judge me!) in the trash and shredded it around the garage (this included chocolate milk... I don't even want to talk about that!). Then I walked upstairs and realized that she had also shredded a plastic bag full of goldfish and a box of milk on the carpet. I think she actually ate most of the plastic bag, so that should make for a fun evening. And, there was a milk spill in the kitchen that was covered with what must have been one billion ants (I'm starting to consider a milk free house with all these freakin' spills!). I've got a headache that is making me think I have a brain tumor (that's just me ... I'm always thinking I have a brain tumor), but I try to rally. My kids are all over tired after two late nights in a row (late for us is bedtime around 8... with no naps anymore, no one can really handle this including me). I'm super tired because Thing 4 has been waking up every two hours for the last four nights or so (growth spurt? I hope it's over soon!)... anyhow, you can see that this is far from the best scenario. So, after a dinner of taco's (which I loved) but most of the kids cried through because they thought it was gross and just wanted a peanut butter sandwich or a waffle (seriously what's not to like about a taco shell with rice and cheese in it? I didn't even give them the turkey meat that I made... yummm for me... apparently gross for them) and three spilled glasses of water, I was about to lose my mind. So, it was to bed around 6:15. Yes we did a few stories but my enthusiasm was low. To top it off, I just couldn't bring myself to make it through brushing their teeth. Why is it so hard? I don't know... something about lining them up and brushing three pairs of little teeth puts me over the edge of sanity on nights like these. The worst part is that the kids just went to the dentist and are all super anal about brushing right now... so yes, I bargained with them to not brush their teeth. Me, "I promise I'll brush them really well in the morning, please let's just get in bed (are those tears I feel coming on... please please just go to bed)." Yes, I did that... I own it. So now it's 6:45 and everyone (almost.. Thing 1 is playing with his star wars guys in his bed) is asleep. I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow.

As a side note, I bought this great toothbrush for G at Whole Foods. (the one in the picture). It's made our of recycled material and can be recycled... looks cool right with the nifty angle of the head! He hates it and just wants a "normal" one. So much for being green. Maybe I'll use it... it just looks fun.

Edible Food-Like Substances vs. Whole Foods (not the store)

I never really paid too much attention to food.  I mean, I like food, always have, but you know, growing up, I just ate when I was hungry, and pretty much ate whatever.  I wasn't too picky.  I liked fruit, I liked veggies, I liked dairy, meats (well, most, not cute meat, baby animal meat, lamb and organs), and I love Coca Cola and Filet o' Fish and Cheetos, to name a few.  Some of those things are not like the others, right?  But you know, I had an appreciation for fresh and natural, as well as the highly processed.  I never had a weight problem and so, I really never had a big issue with food, or gave it too much thought.

Not until having kids, that is.  Suddenly what I put into their bodies takes on much more significance.  Um, let me just add, though, that this does not mean that we haven't visited the Golden Arches with enough regularity that when my son alights his gaze upon said arched trademarked signage he yells, "nuggets!" from the back seat.  Just sayin', we're on no pedestal here.

NOW, with the advent of the "everything you thought you knew about nutrition is wrong" coinciding with the "food as nutrients, not nourishment or enjoyment" clashing with food insanity like, KFC putting the pink ribbon on their buckets of chicken!  (To quote Chris Rock here for a moment - "If you DON'T want to get fat, DON'T eat out of a bucket!"  Sage words, Chris, sage words)  It is no wonder America is overweight and so many people are miserable and unhealthy.  Suddenly the simplicity of food, preparing it, serving it to your family and eating it is challenged by a thousand choices.   Choice is good right?  Is anyone else overwhelmed when they go to the grocery store?  You've got to watch out that your bread is high fructose corn syrup free and that your milk isn't from cows treated with growth hormones and that the thin skinned fruits are organic and that your oatmeal will lower cholesterol!  AUGH.  Then there are the "healthy potato chips" and butter substitutes battling it out with margarine and then lowly old real butter saying, "hey remember me?  I wasn't prepared in a laboratory!".

For our family, the obsession really began when we moved to Madison, Wisconsin.  And it was here that I first gave a cold, hard look at the term "food science".  Look it up, that is one scary concept.  Food is no longer content to be something you put in your mouth that satiates you, but it is dissected into the sum of it's parts, broken down into what is best utilized by your body (as determined by the leading researchers at the time, because, as we all know, this has changed about 50 times since the notion of "food science" began).  Here in Wisconsin, there is an abundance of local, farm grown foods, both organic and not, and easy accessibility to a variety of whole foods (read, not or minimally processed) one can obtain.  In fact, I've only been to a "regular" grocery store twice in the 10 months we've lived here.  I tend to shop at either the local market a block away (when I need something quick) and I go to the Co-Op.  And to be honest, my grocery bill has gone DOWN.  (In the spirit of full disclosure here, I have gone to Super Target on occasion and bought food, but usually just to buy specific items that are not available at the aforementioned places, and plus, I just like Target, okay?).  I'm definitely not trying to be "look at me, look at me, I'm so eco-friendly", I'm just saying, I go to the closest place to my house (the Co-Op), they have lots and lots of local items you can buy (hey, who doesn't want to help the local guy, right?  Keeps the money in town, all good things!) and I've actually started to enjoy cooking!  Prior to this in my old life, I was very, "Open can, add meat to sauce, pour over rice/noodle, etc".  Now, I tend to make my own sauces.  Not that I'm this bastion of time or anything, I DO have two small children, but I have found with a bit of planning I can generally get a simple, nourishing and tasty meal on our table with about the same effort as if I had gone the pre-made route.

Mmmmm beets.  

Where is this avoidance of pre-made delights stemming from?  Well, partially from the easy access and deliciousness of all the local ingredients available to me, and also partly from learning more and more about just how corporate food and food science has become.  And not good corporate.  Like, stealing the souls of the farmers corporate.  Like, raping the land by forcing corn and soybeans corporate.  Michael Pollan and his books Food Rules, In Defense of Food, and The Omnivore's Dilemma, really opened this up for me.  Food Rules, specifically is SO easy and makes so much sense, and yet, I was barely making an effort to even notice how my grocery choices were not only affecting the health of my family, but also the planet.  As I began to become more aware of the choices I make at the grocery store, I also became more thoughtful about how our food choices might have been playing a larger and more silent role in our health.  On some parenting forums I became introduced to the Feingold Diet Program.  And not that we follow this, but it was certainly thought provoking enough for me to think, "well, heck, maybe 'red lake #20' could have an affect on my kid's brain, behavior, growth, etc.".  Just as I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding infants because I believe that human breast milk is superior to any other infant food, why wouldn't I continue to give my family what I consider to be the best I can?  Of course this doesn't mean I am churning my own butter here (remember, I did say we hit the drive through from time to time), but I think I have become a lot more conscious of how what we eat affects our lives.  Isn't it possible to imagine that with the evolution as food as a science, and foods with all sorts of health claims, and ingredient lists the length of my Master's Thesis for something as simple as pesto sauce, that we might be causing the increase of allergies, diseases, behavior problems and even some psychiatric issues?  Trust me, I am not making any claims here, I know nothing, but it kind of seems like the more complicated our lives get and the more we mess with things that turns out were just fine to begin with (hello, butter!?) that we might be causing more problems instead of fixing anything?  I mean, for example, can't nuts just be nuts?  Since when did nuts become the unknown soldiers against heart disease?

I'm clearly not the first person to question this, WAY far from it.  Do a quick google search and you'll see that there are lots of people wondering why we have to mess with everything.  Of course, the obvious answer is corporations make big bucks selling you a bucket of chicken with a pink ribbon on it telling you that they'll give some of the cash from that purchase to support breast cancer, and that oats with cholesterol fighting claims and cookies that are low fat (but crazy high in sugar) and this oil and that blend and all the added nutrients (like fish oil) to things like bread, just makes you think.  What if you just got those nutrients from eating the thing that they come in naturally?  And it's probably cheaper!  Buy a carrot rich in vitamin A instead of buying something enriched with vitamin A.  Right?

Oh, heck.  I don't know.  All I know is that it makes sense to me to scale it back a little.  I like the way my refrigerator looks with greens poking out of the veggie crisper and cheese with simple black and white labels instead of some brightly colored mass marketed eye catcher.  I realize that not everyone has a vast array of locally produced and reasonably priced organic foods (but wait!  WalMart *gasp* is actually become a forerunner of available and affordable organic foods.  My icy heart towards WalMart is beginning to thaw a bit...).  I know that when we move back to Florida this summer, it will be harder to locate the vast array of local goodies that have spoiled me this past year (which, I know, sounds ironic, helloooo prolonged growing season, but this is my third time moving back to the big peninsula folks, I know of which I speak).  BUT, you can find some things and support your local farmers (because farms are everywhere peeps- and I plan on finding ours!).  Find some place near you where you can at least get some local eggs or meat or something by going to Local Harvest and putting in your zip code.  It could be a fun place to take the kiddos and you'd be doing something good for your community as well as your family.

Today

Shot with my iPhone using Hipstamatic.  

Jolly Ronan

"Look Mommy!  Pirate Bones!"
 - Ronan 2.5 years old.  

Seriously, how cute is that?

Instinct Insanity

The event I am about to describe happened over a week ago, but it has been weird to process, and so bizarre that my husband and I have barely even discussed it with each other.  It is significant, likely unforgettable and yet, was such a quick, maybe 1 minute and 30 seconds of our lives, that it seems almost like it didn't happen.

So - the other weekend, on Sunday, my husband, the two children and I were up early.  We had our usual weekend breakfast routine of The Daisy Cafe just down the street and then we decided we would like to go to the Henry Vilas Zoo (that's the free zoo here in Madison).  As we're driving along, we get to this construction zone where the road is partitioned off by little reflective stick things that funnel the cars off into the appropriate lanes.  We're putting along in our old, blue station wagon and crazy from nowhere comes this small, red car zooming right behind us at crazy mach speed and fishtailing and honking at us and scaring the crap out of us.  Mind you, this is IN A CONSTRUCTION ZONE (of course, it was Sunday, so no workers out or anything).  He can't pass us due to the partition thingys but the second we are past them, he insanely comes along side us and is, let's just say, gesturing, and veering towards our car and we're, um, maybe yelling and perhaps Brandon threw a gesture back...(hey, just being honest), and THEN, he floors it, gets in front of us and STOPS.  So, of course, WE have to stop, because, um, crazy man has stopped his car, and I am yelling, "Oh My God!  Oh My God!  What's he doing?!".  At this point, I literally turn into a bear.  A mother bear.  I really know where the term blind rage comes from, because my memory of the next few seconds is fuzzy and is seen from afar, as if I was watching myself.  I know that by now I am in a rage and I remember screaming, "MY CHILDREN ARE IN THIS CAR" as I throw my jacket that I was holding onto the dash and I GET OUT OF THE CAR.  Get out isn't really the best descriptor though, more like FLY OUT.  I beat Brandon - who, mind you, had also started to get out of the car.  He must have still had some sense because I was like, about to vault over his car and beat the sh*t out of this guy.  This late middle age, gray haired guy.  Seriously.  My thoughts are that his guardian angel (or his brain) tapped him on the shoulder and whispered "um, dude, you should probably go because this woman is about to rip your arms off", because he JUMPED back into his little car and screeched the heck out of there.  I leapt back into our car, but I was shaking.  Shaking and feeling that adrenaline and the mad desire to smash some skull and Brandon and I are like, "whoa, what the F--- just happened here?!"  

Of course, after the event, we were left humming with anger and, for lack of a better phrase, unavenged bloodlust.  I'll give us props, as we didn't go tearing off after the guy.  Poor Ronan started to cry (we calmed him down right away) and thank God Isla was rearfacing, so all she saw was the beige headrest of the back seat.  Whew.  And, I can only thank the Lord that that crazy fool jumped back into his car because I know with every fiber of my being that I would have tried to fight him, and likely hurt him.  So, um, that would have been an assault charge on me... Brandon would have probably, oh hopefully pulled me off and not done anything himself to this guy, or that could have wrecked our lives for good.  Like jail, kids in foster homes and court dates and some social service person coming to our house regularly to check in on us "angry people".  And hollah!  Let's not forget, fighting someone in front of your kid is SO not the parent I want to be!  I am a pacifist!  I am Costa Rica, for crying out loud!  What happened to me?  It is scary to know that I was ready to engage!  I mean, I always knew I'd do anything to protect my kids, but actually seeing that primal part of me turn on was nuts.  Do I have an anger issue?  Should I seek counseling?  Does anyone else have an experience like this they would enjoy sharing?  *crickets*  

Oddly, Brandon pointed out that he noticed that the guy had a bunch of hippie peace bumper stickers (so pervasive here in Madison) all over the back of his car.  So, what gives?  Were we driving too slow at 9:45 a.m. on a Sunday morning in a construction zone for this guy?  Was he on drugs?  Did he think we were somebody else?  Argh!  I hope I never really know, or ever see that guy again and I am SO thankful that nothing actually happened that day that I would forever regret, because it could have.  Perhaps this was a rather anti-climactic story, as no heads were busted and no one landed in jail with their children being taken by DCS or anything, but heck, if we were bears, and were in the wild, and this had happened?  Oh yeah, we'd have been eating gray haired middle aged man that night.  No doubt.  

Take home lesson:  Never mess with bears.  Or moms.  

The Double Stroller Tango

(Disclaimer:  No one is paying me for saying any of this, alas.)

Ah, two children under two.  That was me just about.... 12 months ago.  Baby number two made her debut, and baby number one was not quite two yet.  And still needed (and still needs!) a stroller.

Deciding on which gigantic chariot was for us, was quite the decision.  Like, I made spreadsheets comparing the pros the cons, the weights, the widths, the ease of fold and I read user reviews like a woman who was obviously nesting.  Considering that I needed something for BOTH children to ride in, and I wanted it to last for a while and accommodate a newborn and toddler easily, my choices were limited.  Oh, I should also admit: I am a stroller snob.  But to be fair to myself, I have been loyal to and pleased with my choices thus far.

With baby number one.  We chose the no longer available Bugaboo Gecko.  It was replaced by the Bugaboo BEE.  That's fine, I still love that Gecko, it has taken a beating and is FAB-U-LOUS.  I recommend it when people are asking about a fantastic all in one/travel system type and don't mind shelling out what amounts to a car payment.  So, when number two was baking, I thought hard.  How do you top the 'boo?  What double stroller could possibly be as fabulous in my eyes as my little green machine that would happily tote around both kiddos?  I figured I wanted something rugged-ish, for bumpy sidewalks, possible dirt and or mulch trails, a nice push and something that would sorta' kinda' be like a jogger but not really as I don't really jog at all, but I like to think that maybe I might.  I narrowed it down to the Phil & Teds Vibe and the  BOB Revolution Duallie.  Both seemed like excellent strollers, but I chose the Vibe.  Two reasons.  One - it is as narrow as a single and two - the second seat can come off so it can be used as a single.  So that was good, right?  The Phil & Ted's was great!  It totally did what I wanted it to do, which was carry both kids around!  There are some negatives, like the underbasket is barely accessible when the double seat is attached, and it is a heavy beast, but I like it a lot.

But, like all good things, there came a time when even the Phil & Ted's did not do everything...  It is not your easy peasy throw in the back of the car and take to the mall little buggy.  Oh no.  I have a larger capacity vehicle, and hoisting the P&T into the back was rather laborous.  So, my husband, upon experiencing the joy of pushing his sister (Kiki!!)'s fabulous Maclaren Twin Techno, decided that that would be the perfect go-between for us.  And it is.  It still fits through doorways, collapses and opens easily (and has the nice little protector bits so my kids don't lose any fingers) and serves us well.  All in all, good times.

So, there you have it.  My little foray into the world of double strollers.  A delicate dance between form and function, size, weight, width and usefulness.

Me Time

Where do YOU find time for yourself?  WHEN do you find the time?  If you work outside the home, or in it, there just always seems to be SO much to do that eeking out a slice of the 24hour pie is next to impossible.  For example.  I am contemplating yoga tonight, but at 7:30!  I am practically dead on my feet at that time, but really, if I want to have dinner ready for my family and help get the babies in bed at a reasonable hour, this is really it.  That of course, means that I will have NO time to spend with the husband, because if I'm exhausted at 7:30, I'll be asleep by 9:01.  Or at least one minute after I get home.  But still, it'd be 1.5 hours all to myself to "recharge" and that is needed.  

Two weeks ago I literally went crazy.  I was so grumpy, emotional and strung out that I was laughing while trying to convey the absolute necessity of me getting a bit of free time.  It's ridiculous that I let it get so bad and let the "me time" lapse to such a degree that I become "she who must not be looked at straight in the eyes", because seriously, I might charge you.

Normally I let the me time go for a LONG time.  Usually that coincides with a new baby.  It's hard to get away from them (nor do you really want to) for any length of time because the new baby really wants to be with mommy, and usually no one else.  After, say, the first six months though, when baby is figuring themselves out, and becoming more independent, that's when I usually need a break.  I try to grab a little reading time here, a little knitting in there, some internet, a coffee break, whatever.  My issue tends to be I do not know how to ask for this time.  I have found that my husband is very amicable and supportive of this time, but for whatever reason, I have a hard time setting it up.  Mommy guilt.  Oh, very likely.  I think that even though I am a full time mom, I still don't even see it as "work" as much an outside the home or "paying" job.  Which, logically I know is absolutely laughable!  Sadly, the deeply ingrained cultural mind set of the perfect SAHM, has rooted itself into my psyche, and even though I KNOW I am human and need a break too, and I know that I do a LOT of work (more than when I was working outside of the home), I still don't tend to myself until it is often too late.

What do YOU do to give yourself a break?  Do you have a system worked out with your partner?  How do you find your "me time"?

Soccer MOM!

I had this flash of myself this morning and it was SCARY. G is out of town this week... so it was just me. I dressed Thing 1 in his soccer uniform, piled all four kids into my Honda Odyssey minivan with organic snacks and drinks in a cooler for the whole team, got a curb-side pick-up vanilla latte, and drove 2 miles to the soccer field where I cheered on my 6 year old son while he ran around a soccer field aimlessly kicking the ball! I am officially a SOCCER MOM! How did that happen?? I have to admit, I had a blast out there watching Thing 1 and his three cutie pie sisters cheering him on (well, Thing 4 didn't say much, but she was having a good time). So yes, I'm a minivan driving, latte drinking, soccer mom and I'm proud. (no big soccer ball stickers on the back of my car though... I will draw the line at that!)

A few of my favorite things (#1, #2, #3)

Being the mom of four, I have an opinion on practically everything from sippy cups and slings, to products and diapers. Here are a few of my favorite things (note... I am not being paid for any of my opinions here... this is all me!):

1. Slings: The moby wrap and ergo baby carrier. I honestly don't think I would have survived kid 3 without the moby. Thing 3 had reflux and literally would scream if she was anywhere other than the moby. I think I kept her in there pretty much all the time for her first 4 months of life. I still love it with Thing 4. It's a great hands free sling that goes over both shoulders to distribute the weight. It's soft and stretchy. The baby feels like they are back in the womb. love love love it! When the babies get a little bigger I love the ergo (you can use this for little babies as well, but I think the moby is just better). The ergo is easy to get on, comfy for a variety of ages, and easy to transfer to person to person. It's comfortable for moms and babies and super easy to wash. I've tried a lot of different slings (Cat, you've tried more... so feel free to give your fav's as well!) but these are my favorites, and have been all around accepted by my kids. I had a pouch sling (hotsling and new native), but Hudson was the only one to really like that. All the other ones just got agitated in there after awhile.

2. Rainbow Products (this is the amazon link, but you can get it in a lot of places)

I was just giving the kids a bath tonight and I was thinking how much I loved the smell of their shampoo and conditioner. It's made by Rainbow. They have this cherry vanilla scent that is amazing, and their original scent is great too. The detangling conditioner actually works (unlike most I've tried) even on Thing 1's crazy dread head. They sell a fantastic body wash , hand soap, and bubble bath as well. Most if not all of their products are organic and they don't test on animals. LOVE IT!

3. Petit Bateau and Tea Clothing: ok, I know it's expensive (especially Petit Bateau), but I can't help it. The colors are fantastic, the clothes are soft, they wash well, make great hand-me-down's and for some reason, I am drawn to these brands in the store. I don't have a lot of them (most of the kids' clothes are from target and old navy), but if I could shop these brands all the time I would! Tea usually has great sales on their website, so I try to stick to that. It's great for mix and match clothing that the kids can put together themselves (a necessity with my kids who won't wear anything that I pick out), and for my son who at 6 years old still refuses to wear anything with a button or snap (yes, they still make elastic waist shorts for a size 7 that are cute and not your standard sweats!). I'm still searching for good sales on Petit Bateau, so if you know of any, please pass them on!

The times, they have a'changed!

Does anyone else think that childhood today is a teeny bit, oh, more apesh*t than it was ten-fifteen (30?) years ago? There are so many technological distractions out there these days that I cannot even IMAGINE what my children will be facing in ten years! Right now, my kids are pretty much interested in what kids have been interested in for, oh, the past history of humankind. Toys. Fun. Exploring. My children are two and almost one years old, so, I suppose they are pretty easy to entertain. But in a few years, oh man! What am I going to do?

For example. When do kids get cell phones? I am not talking about getting my kids iPhones with unlimited text messaging or anything, but I can see the value of a limited minutes simple phone they can use to call us in emergencies. I KNOW my parents would have gotten me one, but it would have been HIGHLY controlled. I remember getting my first phone in my room when I was in Junior High. Pink, plastic, and connected to my parents land line. No private number for me! But still, I felt very awesome. I didn't get a cell phone until Graduate School. That's GRADUATE SCHOOL folks. Did I miss not having a phone all prior to that? Well, no. No one had one, really, except fancy folks. I was not fancy. Am not fancy. Okay, so cell phones. Any suggestions?

Next. The internet. HOW? What? WHEN?! No longer do you worry about the bully on the playground, but the bully on Facebook, or Myspace, or whatever. Hearing about children killing themselves because of being bullied on the internet sends tremors of anger and fear through me. I suppose I can have "parental controls" and "keep conversation lines open" and "monitor" to the best of my ability, but seriously? kids can get around you! I was once a child. I understand this. I harbor no delusions that I will a) have no problems when my children become tweens and teens and that they'll always think the sun sets and rises by my dictate, or b) that they (even if we have an amazing relationship) will tell me everything. I was a pretty well rounded teen and fairly happy, I think, but embarrassing trips through some old journals (now tossed, because really, I do NOT need that stuff lurking around in some box) and rereading the inky scribblings of teen angst, proved a clear reminder that I was trying to deal with lots of emotions on my own. Not fun. Not cool. I can only imagine how much weirder and more angsty it would have been if I had been trying to prove myself not only at school, but also on the internet! Yikes. I truly feel that technology today has advanced MUCH faster than young children and teens are capable of handling.

And not only is the world of technology far more invasive than I'm currently comfortable with (mind you, spoken by someone whose own iPhone is never farther than four feet away) but I have lost pretty much all confidence in the American Education System. Not in teachers, please note, but in the system. I hate how underfunded schools are, how important curricula is phased out, how sports are overglorified and how little focus is placed on the individual. I'm not sure the school box is the way to go.

To be quite honest, I am very much thinking more and more about homeschooling, or other form of alternative education. Not so much to protect my kids from things they might run into in the school yard, but because maybe I think that this whole world is really far, far too complex. Much more than it needs to be. And I think, honestly, that I can do a better job. I have no more faith in the system. I'm no longer confident with putting my kids in school to be told later that my child is "acting out" and likely ADHD because energy and creativity are no longer appreciated as it makes it harder to ram the FCAT (or, insert your states BS standardized test here).My goal is definitely not to produce children who are obsessed with some vague notion of "success" as defined by American capitalism. What DO I want for them? I want them to be happy! I don't want them to have homework in Kindergarten and I don't want their schedules filled with so much work and sports and clubs and etc. etc. that their dayplanner is busier than Hillary Clinton's. That is not living, at least in my opinion. I'm not suggesting I hope to raise slacker waistoids, but maybe, just maybe, I want to try something else and let THEM decide who they want to be, and what they want to do. Less pressure... I'm sure that sounds so naively idealistic. But it's how I'm feeling right now. It's how I feel most days. And I think about this a lot. Especially since I'm feeling the "preschool pressure" to get my son in the "best" preschool I can find (and afford). He's not even three and I'm already getting sucked in. I can feel it. And it's freaking me out.

How do you navigate this 1000000 x more complicated world? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Does anyone wonder if our priorities are skewed?

My Fears: A list.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have too many worries. I hope it is a long time before they begin to settle on his wee shoulders.

I am an anxiety freak. I worry worry worry about so many things that I cannot control. I know it does no one any good. Especially not me, and definitely not my kids. But I do know that just admitting things and writing them down is a good way to face your fears and get things off your chest and help deal. So, here I am, dealing. So, listen if you want. Add your own if you have them, and mock me if you will. :)

1. Fear of losing one of my children.

This is obviously my number one fear. By losing, I don't mean a "Oh shit, where are they?" in Costco for a few minutes, but full on loss. I don't know how people cope and go on living.

I worry about car accidents, horrible terminal diseases, freak accidents, forgetting them in the car on a hot day, kidnapping, drowning, falling down stairs, banging their head on the pavement, impalement, SIDS, EVERYTHING. For a few months this winter, it got almost debilitating. Didn't help that I was living in a place with very few friends and basically no one to share this with (except my husband, love you and thanks for listening, and Kiki). It was probably some post partum depression manifesting along with seasonal affective disorder thrown in, but, whatever it was, it sucked. I worry about my kids so much, I sometimes don't know how to do anything else, but I always manage and I am supposing that everyone else does the same thing. So, I'm not going to stress myself out thinking I'm a freak or anything. I know I have some mild OCD, so I'm sure that that feeds it. I'm dealing.

2. Loss of husband. This one sucks too. What can I say, insert the above fears and it's the same thing.

3. You know, the only real sadness I have about the thought of my own death, is missing out on watching my children grow up. That would blow. I'm more worried about losing one of my parents, though. That would really mess me up too. *sigh.

4. The fact that we are totally screwing up the planet and I'm pretty sure it's not reversible.

Humans. We suck. I am seriously scared for the world my children are going to inherit. It's not even about no polar bears. It's about the absolute devastation of the world. It's some scary shit. And it's amazing that the people in power in this world would rather continue to line their pockets than work towards preserving the planet and put their hands over their ears and tell people that there is no such thing as Global Warming and la la la la la, buy a bigger car and buy more STUFF from Wal Mart and consume consume consume. And trust me, hellooo, I am not living off the grid here, I have a big car and a Target habit that I am trying to curb, so, you know. I am part of the problem. But at least I see that. It's a start.

5. Getting fat. Yeah. That's a shallow one, but I thought I'd end it up on a light note. LOL I don't want to get fat. I like being small. I'd like to be a bit smaller and I'm not going to apologize for that.

So there. There's my current list of the things on the top of my mind that fly through my head at random times that make me a bit melancholy (more than I usually am). I'm working on it.

Glorious Vacation Nannies

I've always been a very hands on mom. We get babysitters every now and then to go out to dinner, but for the most part I have a hard time asking for help and pretty much just do it all myself. It typically doesn't even enter my mind to seek help when things get chaotic. I am just the type of person to plow through it and hopefully make it to the other side safely with a little bit of my sanity remaining. I don't really know what it is about me that makes it difficult to ask for help, but with each kid I've actually gotten better and better at it because I physically can't do it all anymore. When my mom told me that she was going to bring help (in the form of a 24 year old girl) to stay with us and help after Thing 4 was born I actually wasn't that excited. In my mind it was just another person that I was going to have to take care of in terms of food, entertainment, laundry, cleaning etc. What the heck was I thinking!! After living with the super nanny, I learned how fantastic help actually is! It was a big step for me to feel comfortable asking someone (that wasn't my husband or my own mom) to do something... help with the kids, change a diaper, grab a milk, make a bed, read a story, etc, etc. It sounds silly, but it took me four kids and a forced nanny situation for me to learn this lesson. Well, LESSON LEARNED! For our trip to Hilton Head, I jumped at the chance to have our 15 year old babysitter come with us! She drove down with the kids and me and was incredible! She would take the oldest 3 kids in the gas station to pick out a snack (not a fun job!) while I nursed Thing 4. She played with the kids, took them to the potty, got them dressed, held Thing 4, went swimming in the freezing cold pool with the kids... whatever I needed her to do. She was incredible. I think 15 is actually the perfect age of a babysitter. They are young enough that they still enjoy playing with the kids and watching their movies. They aren't really into the teenage angst period yet... they don't have their own agenda in terms of going out etc. Granted, it would have been nice if she could drive, but all in all it was fantastic! I hope we didn't scare her off with the craziness of 4 kids and a 12 hour car drive. I would love to have her on all our road trips!

Icky? WTF?

With all the talk about breastfeeding happening on the blogs/facebook/net lately, it's hard to click a link without running into a nice friendly debate. Not that I think there's much to debate. My most favorite (because it's alarming as hell) reason NOT to breastfeed that I've read so far? Because it's icky. Which I found here. Read the delightful comments. And, once one courageous mom was bold enough to put that out there, LOTS of other mom's chimed in echoing the icky war cry and patting her on the back for being so bold. Honey girls... this is what I have to say about that. If you think BREASTFEEDING is too icky to deal with as a new mom that says to me that you have not only bought into the American cultural notion that breasts are nothing but funbags for the boys, but that you don't actually have kids. Because really? Do you have a full time nanny or something to deal with all the truly icky things? Um, see my post poo hands. I'd take a milky boob over that any day.

Oh, and yeah, I know that there are rare instances when a woman truly is unable to breastfeed and it is especially sad when she really wants to. That's hard, and those women should not be made to feel guilty or inferior. And in the spirit of mom's shouldn't be pitting themselves against one another in a sort of of modern, blogosphere cage fight, I will say that how you feed your baby is, of course, your choice.  But I'm also not going to apologize that my feelings towards this tend more towards the mind boggling "WHY? is this such a debate?" instead of the, "hey man, live and let live".  I just can't get behind the "'I just think it is icky' moms" saying "breastfeeding isn't for everyone".   Breastfeeding is for every baby, "icky" for you or not. I realize fully how bitchy this whole post sounds. And I'm really not a bitchy person, but I do have strong feelings surrounding just how insidiously our culture has perverted nature right down to the very things that kept us alive as a species throughout time.

Can I just say...

I love you?

Dear Gina of "The Feminist Breeder". You rock my ever-lovin world with this post. I am glad that you server crashed because your rockin' amazing post caused such a rush to your site for women to read your WORDS OF TRUTH and zero apologies. LOVE IT. So I am linking your post to my blog. Here. Friends, READ THIS!

The Feminist Breeder: When it comes to Breastfeeding, we can't handle the truth

"For far too many women, pregnancy and birth is something that happens to them rather than something they set out consciously and joyfully to do themselves." ~~Sheila Kitzinger

Enjoying Spring

My most favorite time of year, in any clime. So full of newness and the promise of SUMMER! And cookouts and the beach and warm nights and bare feet and sweet flowers and outdoor festivals. I LOVE it!

Birthing

image by Birgit Amadori cesarean-art.com

So many women in my life are either expecting, have just had, are planning, or have sadly lost a baby recently. As someone who is open to the possibility of trying for a third child, and therefore frequently thinking about pregnancy, babies and adding to our family, the issue of birth often comes into my head. Mind you, my own sweet baby is only ten months, but I can easily remember the feelings of finding out I was pregnant for the first time... And I vividly remember the births of both of my children.

I am going to be selfish in this post and just put it out there my feelings about how my children were brought into this world. Both my healthy, beautiful, much loved and adored children were born via cesarean.

First, let me just get this out of the way. My children are separate from their birth. They are not their birth. I do not associate my children with a negative birth experience and yes, I am extremely thankful each and every day that they are alive and healthy. Would I go through c-sections again and again to have them here, yes. Do I think there is no place in this world for cesareans? Of COURSE NOT. I know that many many babies and mothers have been saved by this technology, and by other obstetric advances. But I am not here to argue that at all. I believe modern obstetrics has its place, but I truly believe that for most women, birth does not need to be a medical 'condition', and with proper prenatal care, support and confidence most women can have healthy normal vaginal births, with a low trauma factor, either physical or emotional.

So, with that said... I believe the way a woman births her children is a very personal experience. Some women love a natural birth in the water with low lights and candles, others love the hospital with the nurses and the sterility and the false sense of security that "if something goes wrong..." and other's want to do it by themselves with just their partner! (unassisted childbirth, anyone?). Really, whatever floats your boat is fine by me.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my son, I expected, I KNEW I'd have a natural delivery. The idea that I'd join the instinctive tribe of women who have KNOWN what it is to fully realize their bodies' ability and potential to bring forth life was exciting to me like nothing else I've ever thought about. Birth was for me. Not because I was a fist to the sky crunchy mother-goddess, not because I'm obstinate, but because, to me, it was the ultimate right of passage. The full realization of womanhood.

But of course, not everything in life is as we expect it to be. Due to my son's breech presentation, discovered at about 32 weeks, I felt that possibility of a natural delivery slipping away from me. The fear that I was going to be cut open to have my baby was becoming very real. Of course I did all the tricks. The hours of pelvic tilts, the birth ball, I never once leaned back in a chair, I walked, and crawled and did hours of expensive chiropractic techniques that did NOTHING (well, it did make my back feel good...) and moxibustion and body work. He was just breech. Staying that way. And so, at 39 weeks, he was born, with a huge incision and a non-sympathetic OB and pretty much a non-sympathetic everyone else, because hey, birth is birth and I should get over it. Was I worried about it hurting? No. I expected birth to hurt, any which way you have it. What was I upset about? I suppose, for me, it was the complete lack of participation in bringing my child into the world. I went from his birth ultimately being this thing that "I" did, to me not doing anything at all. It was humiliating. It hurt. I felt helpless while I felt nothing but tugs and pulls and pressure and my arms were strapped down and people happily chatted around me while I put on the brave face and pretended that it was just all about the baby and that I didn't care what was happening. I know some women liken their cesareans to rape and violation. I don't feel that at all. If anything, I got lucky and had a "great" cesarean experience, both times. Uncomplicated, relatively quick and non-emergent. No one made me feel like I was endangering my baby by trying to continue with labor (which I've never had a moment of) and that was that.

With my second child. A failed attempt at trying to VBAC. I opted again for a cesarean (my choice! Ha ha!) at 41 weeks because the next step was "fetal monitoring" and "risk of stillbirth is increasing" and, oh, "we're moving in two weeks, and likely you'll fail trying to deliver normally anyway and still end up with a section, so you'll need the extra few days to recover". I'm SO angry about this one. My daughter's birth was supposed to have been so very different. But it wasn't, except that I knew what was coming this time. And I laid down again, spinal numbing me, and once again blocked out all the happy chatter of the doctors and nurses and the tugging and pulling and just focused on one thing, hearing her first little cry as she was pulled out. Because my arms were strapped down and all I could do was turn my head, someone laid her next to me after she was cleaned up (because she was covered in my blood) and I could kiss her cheeks and soothe her with my voice because she was screaming. I remember apologizing to her silently that I failed again, to do what I had hoped I'd be able to do.

And that's it. Afterwards I recovered like all good c-section mommy's; taking my percocet and motrin and slowly getting back to normal. Except for the scar, adhesion pain and the numbness that I HOPE goes away someday just below my navel, I seem to be back on track physically.

Likely, if I'm fortunate enough to have another baby, I'll be heading down c-section road once again, for what OB is going to allow me to risk that 1.1% chance of uterine rupture with a VBA2C.

Believe me when I say I wish more than anything that this did not bother me. I wish I could just brush it off. I wish I was like those momma's who happily signed up for their second, third, fourth! cesarean and didn't feel like they really lost out on something big. B.I.G. big. But that's just me. It's hard to let it go and I hate that I still get a pang in my heart when someone writes about their amazing VBAC, their perfect homebirth, their waterbirth, the amazing sense of power they felt, the joy, the emotions, the strength, the "I never knew what I was capable of doing until...", and on. Usually the utter defeat I felt surrounding my own birth experiences comes back to me to be felt anew.

I'm not sure why bitching about your cesarean become such a taboo subject these days. Women complain about labor and how much it hurts and their tears and their contractions and crappy epidurals until the cows come home, but if you have a section, it's not really worth mentioning. OR, some think you "got off easily". This, usually coming from someone who either a) has not given birth, or b) has not had a c-section and has no comparison. Of course, I have not had a natural delivery, but from the women I know who have..., I don't know any who wished they'd had a cesarean. Is having a cesarean the worst thing that could ever happen, of course not. I'm not that ignorant to the vast injustices that are occurring in this world and to the tragedies that befall good people regularly. But do I believe there is great benefit in delivering one's baby in a healthy, supportive and natural manner? Yes. Do I think the way we treat pregnancy and birth and subsequent infant care is a telling indication of the priorities of a society. Yes. Is there a place for modern medicine and interventions in childbirth? I certainly believe so. But a 31% c-section rate? Unnecessary.

I know that all I'm ever supposed to be thankful for is for a healthy baby. The why's and how's are no longer important. I got it. GOT. IT. Thank you very much. I love being a mom. More than anything. I appreciate and love and am amazed by my children every day and thank God or whoever that we were able to make them. I am SO lucky, so freaking unbelievably lucky I haven't experienced a miscarriage and that it was not a long and heartbreaking road to even get pregnant. I am SO fortunate. TRUST ME, I GET THAT. This does not negate the fact that I still value the birth experience for women and that something that is so intrinsically natural and beautiful was, for me, major surgery. It's hard to be thankful for that experience. Thankful for my beautiful babies, yes. Thankful for abdominal surgery, not so much. Being a mother in and of itself is the most amazing gift, but mothering is separate from birth and I think a lot of that gets forgotten when talking about birth. Birth is, to me, yours and yours alone. When that baby is coming and labor is moving him/her down, that is all you, girl. That is not motherhood, that is womanhood. The second that baby is out, then you're a mother. And that's another topic altogether.