My Fears: A list.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have too many worries. I hope it is a long time before they begin to settle on his wee shoulders.

I am an anxiety freak. I worry worry worry about so many things that I cannot control. I know it does no one any good. Especially not me, and definitely not my kids. But I do know that just admitting things and writing them down is a good way to face your fears and get things off your chest and help deal. So, here I am, dealing. So, listen if you want. Add your own if you have them, and mock me if you will. :)

1. Fear of losing one of my children.

This is obviously my number one fear. By losing, I don't mean a "Oh shit, where are they?" in Costco for a few minutes, but full on loss. I don't know how people cope and go on living.

I worry about car accidents, horrible terminal diseases, freak accidents, forgetting them in the car on a hot day, kidnapping, drowning, falling down stairs, banging their head on the pavement, impalement, SIDS, EVERYTHING. For a few months this winter, it got almost debilitating. Didn't help that I was living in a place with very few friends and basically no one to share this with (except my husband, love you and thanks for listening, and Kiki). It was probably some post partum depression manifesting along with seasonal affective disorder thrown in, but, whatever it was, it sucked. I worry about my kids so much, I sometimes don't know how to do anything else, but I always manage and I am supposing that everyone else does the same thing. So, I'm not going to stress myself out thinking I'm a freak or anything. I know I have some mild OCD, so I'm sure that that feeds it. I'm dealing.

2. Loss of husband. This one sucks too. What can I say, insert the above fears and it's the same thing.

3. You know, the only real sadness I have about the thought of my own death, is missing out on watching my children grow up. That would blow. I'm more worried about losing one of my parents, though. That would really mess me up too. *sigh.

4. The fact that we are totally screwing up the planet and I'm pretty sure it's not reversible.

Humans. We suck. I am seriously scared for the world my children are going to inherit. It's not even about no polar bears. It's about the absolute devastation of the world. It's some scary shit. And it's amazing that the people in power in this world would rather continue to line their pockets than work towards preserving the planet and put their hands over their ears and tell people that there is no such thing as Global Warming and la la la la la, buy a bigger car and buy more STUFF from Wal Mart and consume consume consume. And trust me, hellooo, I am not living off the grid here, I have a big car and a Target habit that I am trying to curb, so, you know. I am part of the problem. But at least I see that. It's a start.

5. Getting fat. Yeah. That's a shallow one, but I thought I'd end it up on a light note. LOL I don't want to get fat. I like being small. I'd like to be a bit smaller and I'm not going to apologize for that.

So there. There's my current list of the things on the top of my mind that fly through my head at random times that make me a bit melancholy (more than I usually am). I'm working on it.