The Shark has Officially Been Jumped (Alternately: How I almost killed myself at Barnes and Noble)

I'm going to share a secret with you guys: I've kind of always wanted to be a writer.  Like, for reals.  I even had a one time shining star moment in my single digit educational years when I pulled off some trophies and such for my "writing".  My creativity.  My unique je ne sais quoi - if you will.  Those days have clearly passed as my brain has been plundered by too much nonsense and filled with too many quotes from The Simpsons.  The only things I've managed to pull off in the realm of published work has been the world's most boring Master's Thesis (only quoted by a few poor students in China and likely an obligatory mention by the NPS), some articles for Jacksonville's Folio Weekly (thanks John for the opportunity! wave) and a rejection from Jane magazine (but only because they were closing their mag, holla! it's almost like I got published! They said they really liked my article... right?).  Even though I've had a rather blah writing existence, I still harbored hope that one day I'd have the fortitude and enough Vodka to pull off something that a few kindered spirits would read, come to love... and maybe purchase on their Kindle or something - or even just borrow from the library.  I harbor no delusions of NYTimes bestseller lists or any of that, really.  So I clung to my tiny hopes until an innocent trip to Barnes and Noble brought me to this:

What. The. Fuck.

Really?  REALLY?!  Hillary "songbird/actress/tween sensation" Freaking DUFF?!  Is now a published author?  Hello world?  Um, how is this fair?  Possible?  ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!  Now, don't get me wrong, I harbor no ill will towards the Duff.  I'm sure she's a very nice person, I mean that.  She's never made it onto my specific list of scorn or anything, but come on!   And the kicker?  The kicker is that it's apparent that Ms. Duff has found herself so inspired by the current (and hopefully flagging - because really?  if Hilary Duff is publishing in this theme, it's time for the literary world to MOVE ON.  Maybe compelling tales about secret Repbulican/Democrat lovers?  That's just about as likely as vampires, right?) paranormal/vampire/werewolf/things that go bump in the night - zeitgeist that she was so compelled to ink out her own tale.  I, of course, gathered this information from reading the cover only.  Now, not being a huge fan of the Twilight series (although I openly admit to having read them quickly while very pregnant and yearning for trashy escapism) I do not know this for sure, and do not want to risk infiltrating my computer and FBI traced cookie system to any websites that may likely contain what is probably thousands upon thousands of wannabe fanfiction excerpts - but a LOT of crap is getting penned.  There are THOUSANDS of people out there writing their little hearts out without a fly's chance in a honey factory of getting published.  I feel for them, and even though I have no interest in writing anything using somebody else's creations, I do give them credit for being inspired enough to actually put pixels to screen and write something.  Anything.  Even if it's crap.  Even if it's crap based on mind-boggling bad writing that somehow captured the imagination of much of the World's (mostly female) population.  *sigh.  Once again, I'm off an a tangent (hence the reason I am not a published author - although, James Joyce is the biggest tangential writer I've ever read, and yet somehow he continues to be considered brilliant... perhaps my deep loathing of his work is really a nefarious connection.  I am Joyce reincarnated! Or likely not).

So anyway, where am I going with all this.  Well, seeing the well meaning and likely hopeful budding author, Ms. Duff, with a stand at Barnes and Noble caused me great pause.  What the hell am I doing?  The thing is, I don't even know what kind of writing I'm even interested in putting out there.  I've got relative tomes on my laptop filled with craptastic prose.  At least Hilary actually DID something.  (I'm assuming she wrote this all by her self, of course, benefit of the doubt here...).  And, of course, being a celebrity, had no trouble finding someone to represent her.  Because, if you're a peon like moi, you will NEVER GET AN AGENT.  Just sayin'.  Even if you're Hemmingway.  But, I just like to whine about how I don't have time to get anything done, am too exhausted to finish the laundry and before I know it, it's ten o'clock and time for night night.

I read, A LOT.  Tons.  I'm really good at reading.  I should be a professional reader, I think.  I can speed read, retain a lot of information, and pass reading comprehension exams like I was the one who wrote it. I'm that good.  I'm a huge fan of Margaret Atwood, whose own brand of science fiction is chilling, disturbing, and highly engaging and thought provoking.  I love essayists like David Sedaris and I love me some trashy romance novels as well, (hellooooo Kindle!)  I love to read biographies about famous politicians wives.  I scour parenting books hoping for light bulbs to flash over my head with brilliant suggestions for not screwing up my kids.  I devour the Times and WSJ online, and I enjoy a good perusal through Tattler now and again, just to keep my hand in.  But how would I write?

Part of me has such a short attention span that I'm sure essays and short stories are the way to go.  But, the last thing I want to become is the poor man's David Sedaris.  You know, like Chelsea Handler (who, to be fair, can be pee your pants hilarious at times, but really, there's only so many tales of one woman's oft used vagina that I can take, you know?).  I've brewed up a few novellas, dabbling in weird Asimovian themes (much to my father's delight, I am sure), but they suck.  So, DELETE.  I've never been into poetry, so don't even suggest it.  Except for the occasional humorous Haiku, I'm pretty much the anti-poet.  I've considered children's books, but I use "like" and "fuck" too much.  I might accidentally slip something inappropriate in, and that would be tragic.  (Remember Carri Bradshaw suggesting her magic cigarette children's book to Big's ex wife?!  LMAO!)  I've considered screenplays and stage plays, but I'm too improv-oriented for that to be serious.  Plus, writing dialogue is a pain in the ass.

Where does this leave me?  Well, back where I am currently.  Sitting at my kitchen counter clacking away on my aging Macbook, sipping on some wine and squinting at the screen while thinking, "Jeez, I need to get some new glasses".  The Duffster's foray into tree murdering publications might have inspired this post, but really, this kind of thing is always on my mind.  What I'm not doing.  What I'm not doing that I wish I was doing.  And that, my four dear readers, is what this post is about.

So, well, I guess it just comes down to me, once again, doing what I do best.  Bitching about the world and not doing a damn thing to change it.

More penis talk.

I recently read an essay by Patrick Hooper that you can read HERE regarding a young man's opinion about his own circumcision, which, like most babies who are circumcised, happened when he was an infant.

Now, it's no secret that I am not supportive of routine infant circumcision.  But there was a time, not long ago, when I assumed it was what you were supposed to do and if I ever had a son, he would be circumcised, as if it wouldn't even be a decision that I was being asked to make, that it would just happen.  My mind changed when my sister in law, and co-writer of this blog, Kiki, had her son, three years before I had mine, and she and her husband decided not to have him circumcised.  That was the first time I ever wondered about why you wouldn't want to circumcise your son.  I mean, prior to this, I knew a few people who weren't, not that I'd ever SEEN them, or anything.  These men were all normal.  They had friends.  Girlfriends.  Wives.  None of them had been ridiculed as a teenager, girls hadn't run shrieking from them once said appendage was revealed to be au natural... But, as I said, it was still something that wasn't "normal".  And usually, upon finding out someone was intact, there would be a murmur of, "Oh? Oh, well, um, cool, didn't know that...".  Right?  Not a huge deal, but something to tuck away in your mental catalog of that person.  "Bob Smith - Plumber.  Likes red cars.  Freaky penis".

And so it was with me.

But back to my mind shift.  Upon learning that my nephew's genitals retained their birth integrity, I did a little research.  As any good Anthropologist knows, we don't do anything without there being layers upon layers of reasons.  But what I basically discovered (which, I suppose, deep down I had always known), circumcision was an archaic practice drummed up in pre-biblical times.  The exact reasons get fishy.  Submission?  A sacrifice of the flesh?  Keep men from masturbating? (haha!!!) But, what it came down to is simply, we don't really know why, but we do it, it had some ritual reason and eventually, over time, we started tacking on "medical reasons" like hygiene, std prevention, penile cancer prevention, etc. Well, because it's SO easy to find a TON of information on why routine circumcision is unnecessary, I'll let you look for yourselves if you are interested.  So why do we still do it?  Well, the reason I can see, looking at it anthropologically, is that it is now ingrained in our cultural psyche.  It doesn't take a long time for things to come into and leave, for that matter, our zeitgeist.  Really, just one generation.  I mean, look at smoking.  Pretty much everyone these days KNOWS it's not good for you.  Sure, some people still do it, but really, it's not like Mad Men anymore.  I'm in my thirties, I can remember my mom and her friends smoking every time they got together.  None of them smoke anymore.  So.  Um, how did that happen?  Well, we learned that it was bad, so people stopped doing it.  Well, same goes for circumcision.  100 years ago, it really was not that popular of a practice in the US.  Nary a Brit or a German was cut, so really, it was primarily something done by various religious groups.  Why did it become a popular thing for Americans to pick up?  (Talkin' bout the Gentiles here).  Well, basically, an asshole named Dr. Kellogg thought masturbation was evil and thought that circumcision was a way to curb it's appeal to lusty youngsters.  That, and cages and cuffing their hands at night.  Funny how the genital cutting really caught on, though.  So, that's kind of the origins of how it exploded in popularity and became "the thing to do to your kids wang" at the turn of the century.

So what's the point of my inane ramblings today?  Surely I'm not making any friends here.  But I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, either.  Really, I'm not.  I just think it's something that should be brought back OUT into the cultural discussion.  Perhaps over a fine Pinot Grigio at your next garden party you casually ask your new acquaintance, "So, what do you think about foreskins?  Canape?"  You may be surprised at their answer.  Maybe they, too, have been wondering about this as well.  Or not.  Maybe they'll throw their carefully mixed Tom Collins in your face, saturating your SJP for Halston bubble dress and stalk off haughtily saying, "I can cut whatever I want off my child, thankyouverymuch".  But, likely, the response is that everyone will be a bit squirmy and awkward.  But here's something funny, never once have I looked upon a friend or relative's circumcised baby boy and made any sort of comment about it, like, "whoa, you circumcised your son, huh?".  Nor have I ever even had any thoughts other than like, "whoops, that kid's naked", or if it's an infant and I'm changing him, I might be thinking, "Please don't pee on me, babe".  Yet, I have had people, upon seeing my naked cherub as an infant, be like, "What?  What?  What's going on there?!  Isn't your husband circumcised?!"  So now we're talking about HIM are we?  Well, I'll just share, as I'm sure my husband won't mind (who by the way, has actually performed MANY (I have recently learned) circumcisions on infants AND adults while in Med School.   Until recently, I thought he'd only watched or whatever, but hooo, no.  So keep that in mind, you might be getting a med student circing your kid) me telling you that he is in fact circumcised.  Is he wigged out by what might be a future "why's my doober different than your's, Daddy?" question from our boy?  No.  Really, how hard does anyone think that conversation has to be? "Well son, it's something that people used to do, but we know we don't need to do it anymore, so lots of little boys are being left intact, just the way they were born".  I don't know, that doesn't seem too emotional, gutting, confusing, or traumatic to me.  *shrug*  Now, I do understand that some dad's get really really really passionate about this.  Luckily, my husband was not.  Probably because, as I mentioned, he's actually done it to other people's little babies, and he just didn't see the need to do it to his own child.  If he HAD been all "dealbreaker!!" about it, well, I suppose I would have deferred to him eventually.  Not without a fight, but if it was crucially important to him, because, well, the penis IS pretty darn important to a man, so I can see where some men are coming from on this issue, I would have probably gone along with it.  I'm not going to destroy my marriage over it, and I have heard of some women making this claim.  Surely those women are now calling me a horrible, mutilating cow.  That's okay, it's the internet, there are a lot of opinions on here.

As for the other reasons I have heard supporting circumcision that aren't the dodgy "medical" ones, such as, "It's ugly", "girls will make fun of him", "ewww, it looks funny", and "he'll get made fun of in the locker room".  All I can say is this.  "Um, really?"

So I guess I've covered it.  I think it's good to discuss what is really important to you.  Lots of things are important to me.  NO beach driving, breast feeding, sustainability, gentle discipline, Attachment Parenting, cookies, AIDS research, the environment, fighting offshore drilling and on and on.  Circumcision is just one of them.  I'm not one to have lame-o conversations with people about stupid things like the weather and the number of calories in a Frappuccino.  Life's too short to only talk about the inane.  And sometimes it's good to talk about the inane, but lots of times, it's good to keep it real and be yourself, even if other's disagree with you.  Isn't that the way we learn from one another?

So, there's my very professional take on this hot topic that I wish wasn't so emotional and simply more, "Hey, maybe we should just stop doing this".  Let's not make a big deal out of it if we have, and let's move on from there.